Courting in laid-man's terms.

I'm sure there are a lot of you boys out there who keep wondering why you get slapped, a glass full of cold water on your face, a kick in the yeehaaw and many other forms of violence, by women after you just have a conversation with them or ask them to your place. Contrary to your belief, this is not a form of foreplay or the girl playing hard to get. Its because she is really not happy with what you have said or what you have done. After facing quite a few of these acts of violence personally, I will now try explaining some of the do's and dont's of wooing.

Never start of a conversation with "Whoa! look at the size of those puppies!" Instead go for a more subtle approach. You can stare as much as you like but when caught go for a" I love that pendant you are wearing" or a more gay but better opportunity providing "is that silk? I love the way silk feels on my skin" See, no slap and better opportunity. Keep reading for more knowledge.

It is very rude to grab. Some of you still feel we belong to the age of the barbarian. As much as we all love that era when we could chose the woman we wanted, knock her out with a club and drag her by the hair, we cant do it anymore. Its called a crime( bloody women in politics).

If you are seated at a crowded bar and a woman comes and stands next to you, offer her your seat. Standing can get them very tired and frustrated. Theres better chance to score if shes not thinking about how much her heels are killing her. Now you can concentrate on getting her drunk.

When confronted with a group always pick one of the lot. Don't be greedy. Chose one, separate her from the rest of the herd and go for the kill. More chances this way.

Here are a couple of lines that will surely make her want to go back with you to your place.

1) I've got the secret, underground manuscript of the Jane Austen novel that was never published.........Do not ask what this means, I have no clue, its just been working so far.

2) For the past two years I have studied foot massages and tantric yoga.

3) Ive got pudding jello shots at home...again please don't ask me what these are and don't ask me what to do when you get to the apartment and there are no pudding jello shots. Its your responsibility to ensure that she is well pickled enough not to care about these details by the time she is there.

4) Ive just moved here and don't know what to do with my furniture. I would really appreciate a lady's touch.... Pay attention to this one. This will help you. All the other lines were lies. This one is a partial lie, so for those of you that have a conscience, this will shut it up. even though you might not have just moved here, you definitely want the second half of the line.

5) I really really respect you.... This one is the toughest and you have to practise keeping a straight face otherwise it doesn't work.

6) I can do this with my tongue for up to four hours.... after saying this just make a couple of weird movement with your tongue... don't ask what its for.. it just works.

Now you are at your place. Once you are here you have already done most of the work and are almost where you want to be. The rest is just various combinations of light settings, music and alcohol.

Some of the things you can do in advance if you are a real player:
Candles,wine, strawberries, Black silk/linen bedsheets, fake/real fur, handcuffs, flavored lube, and an assortment of not-making-you-look-smaller toys.

If you have read this, tried it out and reached the last para( esp the handcuffs) you now owe me a beer.